Have you ever just woken up pissed?
Like you have absolutely no reason for it at all. You got enough sleep. You had decent enough dreams (that you remember). You woke up naturally. It’s a beautiful day in paradise. But for some reason you’re just raging inside?
The way people look at you makes you angry, the way they talk makes you angry, the way they chew makes you angry, the way they just exist in your general vicinity makes you angry. Is it just me?
I feel like that today. I don’t feel like that often, but right now it feels like often enough to make me even angrier about the very fact that I’m angry.
When I have mood changes like this I never know if it’s normal person mood changes or bipolar mood changes. I’ve only had the diagnosis for a few years and I’m still learning the difference.
But as I’m sitting here typing, I realized that I may have forgotten my morning meds yesterday and I know I didn’t take them the morning before because I had a treatment. Hmm…two days in a row. Could be a problem.
I guess I am learning the difference quicker than I thought because I realized what the problem was. And I’m not angry about it. I’m actually relieved that there is a reason for my foul mood and that I can do something about it.
I’m not really an angry asshole. I just need to take my meds, and a really deep breath.
Hi Vickee, You asked whether you were alone in this. I’d say, “No, not by a long shot.” I mean, I don’t want to presume to really know what the experience of a bipolar episodes is like. But surely there is much that is readily relatable in your self-disclosure. For example, I often don’t sleep well and wake up in knots. The muscles around my eyes are taut, and my jaw is nearly clenched. I feel like, “Hell, another day starting off with meager sleep and a buzzy, edgy kind of energy. I’m not feeling that old mantra, “Be Here Now.” I’m wondering how fast I can get out of here and to a better place. I manage not to act on this impulse. And I know you have the wisdom and compassion to hold the most difficult of emotions within your center and to choose to be gently accepting of others and of yourself. To me, this abiding capacity for choice and for wise compassion, which I’ve seen often in your work, is a wonderful quality.