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Madness or Perseverance?
Or maybe a little bit of both.
When we first moved into our apartment, someone left this small metal mirror by the trash dumpster.
Despite the rust, I thought it was too beautiful to throw away. And while I had no practical use for it, I grabbed it anyway and it ended up as a pretty, little, shabby chic addition to the plants in our porch area.
A few nights ago, I heard rustling and what sounded like something scraping on metal outside the front door. I walked outside several times, but couldn’t locate whatever was making the noise. I did however, notice this small sparrow sitting a little ways away on the brick wall looking at me.
I stepped back from the door, closed the screen and watched as a moment later, the little bird flew over to where the mirror was, sat on the edge of a nearby planter and then proceeded to fly into the mirror. Then it stood up, hopped back onto the edge of the planter and did it again. I opened and closed the screen door and it flew away. A few minutes later I heard it again. So, I opened the door, walked out a little further and watched as it flew into the forest.
The next morning though, I heard it again. I stood at the front door and watched the same little bird running headfirst into the mirror repeatedly.
I didn’t want the poor thing to kill itself in pursuit of whatever it thought was on the other side, so I went out and flipped the mirror around so it was facing the wall. It stopped flying into it then, but has still been hanging around it for a couple days. Not sure what it’s after, but it must have seen something pretty enticing to keep hurting itself like that.
Watching it made me think of that quote about the definition of insanity — doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I thought about the quote throughout the day and wondered why it was sticking with me like it was.
But I know why.
There are certain aspects of my life that I want to see change in, but I keep living the same way, and then I get frustrated because nothing changes.
This wasn’t a major, life-altering realization. Something didn’t just click. Other than the fact that I’m stuck. Or at least I feel like am.
Or maybe I’m just being too hard on myself. Small, spread-out changes kind of look like not doing anything to me because I prefer to jump all in and make things happen right away; a personality trait that my therapist and previous psychiatrist attributed to impulsivity and stubbornness, but I prefer to see as determination.
I have no big resolution for the things I want to change though. Or maybe I’m just not ready yet, so I haven’t been able to see the big resolution. There are some things that, even though they aren’t what they used to be and never will be again, I’m not ready to give up just yet.
So, am I the bird? Running face first into the things that I’m not changing? Or am I being optimistic and oozing tenacity and determination because I’m not ready to give up yet?
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