In Another Life.

Things that could have been.

Do you still see it? The night you came to my window?

Your knock startled me awake, but all was right in my world when I saw your face on the other side of the glass.

I pushed the window open and started to climb out when you scooped me up and slowly set me down on the porch.  I was glad that it was dark so you couldn’t see the color rush over my face (and my entire body) when I warmed at your touch. 

I could see something different in your eyes and started to speak, but you put your finger to my lips and shook your head. You grabbed my hand and we tiptoed across the porch and then walked down the street together to your car.

That tiny, old, yellow Honda Civic that you practically had to fold yourself in half to get into. The one that you taught me to drive in, took me to and from school in so many times. Where my love of The Eagles was forged from your CD collection and I first heard what later became our song.

We drove up the winding road to the aqueduct in silence.  

You parked just to the edge of the bridge overlooking the city, opened your door, got out and sat on the hood. I followed.

We sat looking at the sparkling jewels of the city lights strewn across the dark expanse of desert. That was one of two of my favorite views in town, the other was watching the sun set at Apollo Park.

You sat close enough for me to feel the warmth of your body but didn’t touch me.

I kept glancing up at you curiously because I still had no idea why we were there.

An eternity seemed to pass before you finally started to speak and then when you did, the words came out in a hot rush of emotion.

You told me that you loved me. That you’d loved me from the moment that you saw first saw me in typing class. That it didn’t matter if he was your best friend, it killed you every time you saw him touch me and kiss me because you were the one who really loved me and it should have been you. All you wanted, more than anything in the world was to be with me. You would do anything for me. You would do anything to be with me. 

Those words were all that I ever wanted to hear.

I threw my arms around you and kissed you like I’d never kissed anyone before. That kiss stopped our entire world. I finally pulled back, looked you in the eyes and I said, I love you too.

Everything changed in a split second.  We became the us that we were meant to be.

You told me later that in that moment you felt like the luckiest man in the world knowing that I felt the same way too.

I asked you what took you so long? I felt like I’d been waiting a lifetime.

I actually was waiting a lifetime though because it never happened. You came to my window, but I wasn’t there that night. And you never said anything. Not until 20 years later. It was too late for us then. 

I hate knowing that I wasn’t there. That one tiny, pinprick of time changed everything and after that there was never any hope for us.

We lived different lives in different worlds and it didn’t matter how much we loved each other and wanted to be together, it never happened. It couldn’t happen.

And then you were gone. Just like that.

How can that be? How can a love this strong live for so long and then one day you’re just gone? How can it be that we never had the chance to let it live before you died and left me behind?