I Don’t Want to Write.
I’ve been really depressed the past few weeks. It doesn’t help that I’ve had so many doctor’s appointments. The weeks when I have a lot of them always grate on me, and lately it’s been four or five a week. Last week I had seven.
I try to make it easier on myself by getting a treat when I have more than two in day; I get a GF scone and eat it at the beach before dipping my toes in the water and heading back home. That always makes it a little better.
It’s just been too much lately though. And I’ve been sinking deeper and deeper into the dark.
I have no desire at all to write when I feel like this. My thoughts are so scattered that I can’t get anything coherent on paper and I just don’t care. Writing feels like a useless endeavor, let alone writing something to share in a post. I convince myself that it doesn’t matter to anyone but me. It’s not like it’s a job, no one is depending on me, I won’t lose out on a paycheck. Surely my not posting isn’t actually going to affect anyone or their change life or even their day.
So, I haven’t been posting. But I have been forcing myself to write anyway, even though I really don’t want to. I try to tell myself that if I can just get something started it will naturally unfold. That does work sometimes, but very rarely when I’m in this mental state.
Regardless, I continue to log-on to Zoom for my daily writer’s hour and write collectively with a couple hundred other authors from around the world. I’m not inspired by anything though, so my writing is often a jumble of disjointed ramblings scribbled into my journal. If I do start something on my laptop that I think could be worthwhile I often scrap it because it’s so scattered that I can’t find a theme or I just save it for another day because I can’t get past the first few lines. The number of unfinished writing projects on my laptop is absurd.
Being in this place is so frustrating. I don’t want to be here, but here I am.
I’m trying to be optimistic. I’m trying to remind myself that this will pass, it always does, eventually. The problem is, while I’m here, it seems to last forever.
Hi again, Vickee. Upon reflection, I sense that my comment above might appear a bit tone-deaf. I mean, what I wrote in support of your decision not to post writing right now, while reflecting my attitudes, doesn’t show much sensitivity to your disclosure about being depressed. I am saddened that you are depressed and recognize that you’d like very much to feel more buoyant and to write from that more vital place. I hope your spirit brightens. Take good care, Glen
Oops. My finger must have hit the wrong button on my iPhone. Anyway, mainly I wanted to say, “Good for you,” for writing when the time seems fitting, when your spirit invites you to write. I can’t imagine any of your readers would want you to write based on any unnecessary internal pressure. Be well, my friend.