Diarrhea of the Keyboard

A lottle bit of oversharing.

Today I was inspired to write, finally. I’ve been waiting for this day for months and am honestly kind of pissed that I have a doctor’s appointment in an hour and can’t just get it all out right now.

I haven’t written in nearly a year. At all really. I’ve sat down in front of my laptop multiple times to no avail. I’ve started scribbling nonsense in my journal and never gone past a few sentences. I could say I just haven’t had time to really get into it. Which is true, but not completely. I could list many other reasons too, but the truth is, I just didn’t want to. My mind has been inundated with so many things over the last eleven months, because life has been lifeing all over me. And while I know that writing and journaling helps to process and work through things, blah, blah, blah, I just didn’t care enough to bother.

And no, I’m not depressed, this isn’t a cry for help. I’m okay. Not just okay actually, but doing really well (especially in light of recent, shitty election news). I’m not drowning in a pit of depression and despair, I’ve just moved into a different phase of my life. And I’ve actually been finding myself in not just sprinklings, but puddles and even occasionally ponds of happiness.

So, not that you’ve asked, but because I have to get it out, quick recap, in chronological order:

1.     My partner of over 20 years and I legally separated and he moved out. We’re good. For real. We see each other often, he lives down the street, we hang out and have family dinners. Our lives are separate, but he’s still my best friend, we’re still and always will be family and honestly, our relationship now is better than it’s been for years.

2.     I was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Again, I’m good. I had surgery over the summer to remove the tumor and a small portion of my kidney. No more cancer and my kidney function is normal. Just have to keep up with lifelong, semi-annual MRI’s/CT’s, labs and specialist visits. I was really lucky. But I won’t lie, it also really sucked.

3.     My youngest graduated from high school. She graduated with honors and a double diploma. She’s brilliant and I’m soooo proud of her!

4.     My oldest visited for said graduation for three whole days (not a guilt trip if you’re reading this, just genuine mom joy). It was the first time that he’s visited since we moved here. It was absolutely sublime and I squeezed every bit of fun and joy and mom love that I could into those short 72 hours.

5.     Said kiddo also made a temporary career decision that I was less than thrilled about at first, but after talking it over was actually really proud of him because he didn’t do it for the temporary benefits. He has big plans for his future and is making decisions for the long term. He’s made nothing but great life decisions as an adult (so much better than I did at his age, and honestly better than some of the decisions I still make) and I need to give him more credit and trust that he’s always doing what’s best for him and his family. And really, it doesn’t matter what I think anyway, it’s his life and I need to let him live it without opinionating.

6.     My partner sold our van. Our VW Westy that three of us traveled all everywhere in over the past seven years and even lived in for a few months before making our big move. That probably sounds inconsequential, but “Ellie” was kind of part of the family and we made so many friends (chosen family actually) and so many memories with her. Saying goodbye to her meant letting go of a part of our life together that neither of us was really sure we were ready to let go of yet, but knew we were never going to get back again.

7.     My youngest started college this fall, which has been a little rocky, but she’s doing so much better and getting into a good groove now.

8.     I attempted a little Tinder and Bumble dating which quite frankly sucked balls. But it did lead me to three new friends that I am so happy to have in my life now.

9.     I’ve reconnected with a couple old friends too, one of whom visited from across the country for an entire week after not having seen each other for 27 years! We’ve been friends since we were 7 years old and it’s quite honestly amazing to have a friend in my life for that long and still have so much in common and so much to say every time we talk. In fact, we talked pretty much non-stop while she was here.

10.  I’ve had a couple flares, which we were much shorter and not quite so bad. And a couple episodes, which weren’t too bad either considering how they’ve been in the past and all the major life changes that have happened this year. I have a good support system now, have the right combination of meds, I know the signs and how to manage the episodes (and flares) better than ever before. I’m actually pretty proud of myself for that.

11.  I also finished ketamine therapy in the spring and haven’t had any signs of CPTSD flashbacks or any panic attacks for months. It may not last forever and I may need treatments again in the future, but I’m grateful to have made so much progress and be where I am now.

12.  Several bouts with viruses (including fucking Covid again). Not really remarkable, I know, everyone gets viruses. But immune system really sucks, so while it takes a normal, healthy person a week or two to recover from most viruses, it takes me weeks (occasionally a month or so).

13.  Lastly, physical therapy seems to be never-ending. I am making progress, it’s just so fucking slow because of all of this other stuff keeps interfering. I’m doing really well and making great progress and then backsliding again because of a flare or episode or stupid, fucking virus. I know this is what life does, it’s just frustrating and I’m not known for being a patient person so that doesn’t help either. I have had fantastic physical therapists though that are great with working with me where I am and moving up in really tiny increments when necessary.   

So yeah, I think that’s all the things. It’s been a lot. And every time I try to sit down and write about any of it, I get stuck because I feel like I have to explain my long absence (not that anybody has ever demanded an explanation).

I also didn’t know how to talk about all of this, because when you put it all together, it’s fucking overwhelming. I mean, yeah, once it’s out there, it’s no longer weighing me down, but it’s also right in my face. I have to look at it and think about it and work through it. So maybe there’s a little fear around it too because I start to overthink, and wonder if the reason that I’m okay right now really isn’t because I’m okay, but because I haven’t really dealt with any of it, just moved through it and distracted myself and if talk about it now, it’ll be like opening up Pandora’s box. I’m pretty sure that’s not it though. I think. I think I’m just a middle-aged woman who has finally learned how to deal with a lot of life’s bullshit (at least all that’s been thrown at me so far) and what to let go of and not worry about any more. Maybe. I still worry way to fucking much.

And, I’m a perfectionist, I’m a detail-oriented person and I always want to get it just right and if I can’t do that, I tend to just not do anything. Procrastination? Decision paralysis? Fucking irritating is what it is.

But today I’m writing/have written. I’m not stressing (trying not to stress) about spelling, the disorganization of thoughts and sentences and flow and whether I can say everything in exactly the perfect way so that it all makes sense and whether I can get it all out before I leave (I can’t). I’m not re-reading it five times to myself and twice to my partner and editing it to death. No, this is it. It just is. And I’m okay with that. Or kind of okay with that. Or trying really hard to be okay with that.